[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
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What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Running from your problems is cardio .
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time