I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
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I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.