WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
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me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
i was baptized in a car wash
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume