me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
You Might Also Like
saving face 👀
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.