Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
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walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else