Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
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I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
fixed it
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Somebody call the cops.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Social Media and Real life
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.