CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
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How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.