Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.