My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
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My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I gave up going to work for lent.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all