5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
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My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.