me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
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Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.