My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
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An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one