I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
You Might Also Like
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year