Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
the three branches of government
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.