*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
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I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.