Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
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Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
S O O N
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Waiting for the Charmin
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*