God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
You Might Also Like
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.