My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
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Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem