Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
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“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.