The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
why am I working on Labor Day
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.