coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
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My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.