[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
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Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.