A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
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Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month