The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
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I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Succinctly put.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.