911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
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Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Tuesday
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair