do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
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*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Stop being racist to kettles.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.