me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
only writing recipes in wordart from now on