“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
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I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I identify as an antique shop.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Clients after you give them your rates
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.