There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
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COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
me logging onto twitter
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Does your wife know you’re single?
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Ironic
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.