Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
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Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
United Steaks of America
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Monday
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.