babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
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Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
mood
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
me refusing to leave twitter
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry