I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
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Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I’m crying im so happy for them
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.