It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
You Might Also Like
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…