can you read it!!??
maan!
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When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
This made me smile…
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*