me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
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Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
🍛
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
are they though??
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart