[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
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british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
79.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Science memes
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!