man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
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STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]