Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
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My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
My ideal weight is five million dollars
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher