“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
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If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
so, is there a mister shapen head
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard