[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
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Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Girl, same.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.