Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
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[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.