Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
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I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*