Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
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Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
so i’m at the stock market right
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs