Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
You Might Also Like
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Shoo shoo! 😂
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.