There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
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My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.