learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
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Bloody internet 😳
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.