LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
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Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
definitely did not do anything wrong
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.