Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
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Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.