Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
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Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
then why did i get this email
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
This kid is going places
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter