Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
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Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.